Don't Let Your Wound Become Your Story
Why some remain stuck in their suffering and others find a way forward.
Posted June 2, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Life wounds each of us. No one is exempt. While we don’t choose our hardships, we do get to choose whether they become our identity .
A decade ago, I was mired in pain after an avalanche of traumatizing revelations upended my three-decade marriage . As I walked away from it, I had a choice to make. I could surrender to the narrative that my life had been shattered by forces beyond my control and wallow in the muck of how badly I had been wronged—true by any measure. Or I could choose to feel the burn, rail, cry, grieve what was lost, dust myself off, and then mine the wreckage for life lessons, dark humor , and the possibility of new chapters.
We each have that choice when confronted with cataclysmic events. I chose not to see myself as powerless and allow someone else’s actions to define my life story. Instead, I focused on what remained within my control and began crafting a new story to make sense of the chaos.
We all know someone whose identity is rooted in a past wound. Their identity becomes tangled in painful experiences inflicted by others or shaped by bad luck. They view life as something that happened to them rather than something shaped through their choices.
Some remain trapped in that narrative for years, allowing past events to diminish their joy and shape their present. Others who have faced similar circumstances work to find their way out of the maze. What accounts for this difference?
Researchers have several theories. First, for some, defining ourselves by a painful event can provide a simple explanation for a complicated situation. It spares us from probing difficult questions about what we can learn or change. Second, it offers certainty. The story is clear: Someone did us wrong, and we suffer the consequences. Third, suffering often draws support and sympathy: Friends check in, validate our pain, and bring soup, all of which is deeply healing.
The challenge comes when the wound becomes our identity, and we don’t work to heal. In this instance, adversity ceases to be something that happened to us and becomes how we see ourselves. Rather than emerging from the crisis with new wisdom , perspective, and resilience , we can remain tethered to the injury, allowing it to define our lives long after the event itself has passed.
What Is Your Tendency?
Psychologists have long been interested in why some people remain stuck in painful experiences while others find a way forward. One tool they use is the Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood Scale, which measures four traits commonly associated with a tendency to remain focused on perceived injuries:
Consider these questions:
This doesn’t suggest that our pain isn't real or that we weren't genuinely wronged. The question is whether the injury has become the lens through which we view our life. If so, here’s a path forward:
Steps to Move Beyond Your Wound
Embark on a hero's journey. Every hero, from Odysseus to Luke Skywalker, faces hardship and uncertainty. None remain indoors lamenting their fate. They answer the call, take risks, fail, learn, accept help, and keep moving forward.
This is what is known as acting your way out of powerlessness rather than waiting for clarity to just descend upon you. Research shows that people who emerge from setbacks do not dwell on what was lost. They take action and begin writing a new story. It doesn’t begin, "Why did this happen to me?" but "What can I do next?" By taking responsibility for crafting the next chapter, they begin to reclaim ownership of their life and their destiny.
When I was thrust into a life I had neither anticipated nor was prepared for, I began by solving one small problem at a time. First, I fixed a door hinge, and then, replaced a showerhead.
Accept and forgive. Viktor Frankl, who survived the Holocaust, famously observed that while we cannot always choose what happens to us, we can choose our response. Acceptance begins with recognizing that the past cannot be changed and that no amount of ruminating, wishing, or bargaining will alter what has already occurred. Acceptance is a precursor for healing.
Choosing your response also means not waiting for someone to apologize . The person who wronged you may never acknowledge it. They may live unrepentantly and never give you a second thought. Research shows that letting go of that need lowers stress and brings focus to what you can control. That choice brings a clearer perspective.
In time, I came to understand that hurt people often hurt others. Rather than relitigate the past, I forgave what I could, embraced compassion, and began building a new chapter.
Search for meaning. The final step in reclaiming your power over your story is to ask what your experience can teach you. While we would never choose our great hardships, we can learn from them and avoid repeating the dead ends of our past.
Research on posttraumatic growth suggests that many emerge from adversity with a deeper appreciation of life, stronger relationships, greater resilience, and a renewed sense of purpose. Rather than allowing a painful chapter to become the end of the story, or all of the story, they use it as the beginning of a new one, mining the past for wisdom and building a life that is richer than the one in the rearview mirror.
I learned that meaning reveals itself when we start asking what our struggles can teach us. The surprise? That same pain can become a chrysalis, birthing something unexpected and beautiful.
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Gina Vild , the co-author of Two Most Important Days, How to Find Your Purpose, and Live a Happier Healthier Life, is a former Associate Dean and Chief Communications Officer at Harvard Medical School.
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