Domestic Abusers May Harm Their Sons to "Toughen Them Up"
Learn how to respond when fathers push their sons to be overly aggressive.
Updated April 30, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Daniel was hard on his son Justin, even as an infant. He berated Justin’s mother, Hannah, when she sang to him or tried to comfort him when he cried. Daniel allowed Justin to get cold, hungry, and sunburned, claiming it would toughen him up. This made Hannah weep in helpless fury. Over time, Daniel continued to push their son toward a rough masculinity. With Daniel’s lack of protection, Justin was injured often and became a bully at school.
Some domestic abusers, like Daniel, try to extinguish the more tender aspects of their sons. What’s going on?
Men who strongly adhere to traditional gender norms are more likely to engage in aggression toward others, including their wives and girlfriends. Interestingly, men who have stereotyped ideas of how men should act and feel inadequate are especially likely to abuse their female partners . They “prove their manliness” by becoming domestic abusers.
Below, we’ll explore some of the ways domestic abusers push their sons to be macho, the effects, and what you can do.
Pushing Contact Sports Over Creativity or Reflection
Domestic abusers often push their sons to play high-impact sports while blocking activities such as reading, music, art, or theater. Abusers communicate that masculinity is defined by violent physicality and dominance, not self-betterment. Abusive men may validate themselves through their children’s athletic successes and punish their losses, making them “sore losers.”
Some abusers make their sons run laps until they cry or lift heavier weights than they should. They may knock them down or kick balls too hard at them during practices.
I have known domestic abusers who pushed their sons into dangerous sports such as competitive freestyle skiing or contact combat sports. Some of the boys described their terror and pleaded to be allowed to quit. Their fathers wouldn’t allow it. Children may develop anxiety disorders when pushed into dangerous situations against their will.
Some domestic abusers encourage their young sons to play violent video games that are rated for older children. The message is clear: “Be ruthless, mean, and fearless—this is what men do.”
Psychotherapist Julie Nee, MSW, recommends that protective adults emphasize acceptance of the child or teen ’s preferences. She suggests phrases such as, “It makes sense for you to choose activities that feel right for you.” She suggests that protective parents widen the window for children, rather than narrowing the list of options. They can help boys develop their more creative and gentle sides.
Silencing Vulnerability
Domestic abusers typically rate low in emotional intelligence (Winters et al., 2004). They struggle to identify their own feelings, such as sadness, disappointment, loneliness , fear , shame , and even love. Feelings of love imply vulnerability, which many abusers find intolerable.
Domestic abusers are rattled when others show a broad range of feelings. They frequently dismiss women’s emotional responses as “dramatic” or “manipulative.” They often try to stamp out their sons’ emotional expressions by calling them names such as wuss , wimp , fraidy-cat , and princess . These cruel names communicate to boys that showing fear or seeking comfort makes them like girls, which is unacceptable.
Domestic abusers often punish their sons' tears. Children have a natural inclination to cry when angry, ashamed, frightened, sad, or disappointed. Failing to accept these feelings makes it harder for children to learn to manage them. It may make them more likely to explode in anger , dissociate , or become depressed or anxious.
Domestic abusers sometimes deliberately scare their sons. They mistakenly think that boys who experience fear will become courageous. Jimena described her husband throwing books just inches from their son, who was crying in his highchair. He'd punish his son by running the hand vacuum cleaner right by his ear.
Being scared makes a person more apt to experience fear in the future, or even a chronic sense of fear (anxiety). The “fight, flight, or freeze” response becomes easily sparked.
Some abusers use harsh punishments to promote a macho sensibility in their sons and terrify their female partners. One such father told his son that beating him with a belt would “make him into a man.” Another mother told me how her ex-husband would look at her menacingly when he was spanking their son. The punishment frightened both the boy and his mother into submission.
Ironically, intimidation and fear-based discipline reduce a child’s courage and confidence . Children feel more confident when they believe they are safe and protected.
Rejecting Medical Care
Harris, a domestic abuser, rejected the pediatrician's . He insisted on feeding his son solid foods, including meat, when he was only 3 months old. He refused to give him prescribed medication . Harris believed that doctors and medicine would make his son "soft." Harris would say, “My boy’s body can fight whatever it needs to on its own. I’m not going to raise a sissy.” The father placed his son at risk to toughen him up, but also to get back at the boy's mother, Tina. This is termed spiteful disregard .
Domestic abusers often refuse to allow their sons to have psychological testing or therapy , which deprives them of support and insight.
Pushing Sons to Reject and Harm Their Mothers
Domestic abusers often demean the other parent in the children's presence. This harms both the main target and the child. Gladys recounted that her husband would make statements to their children such as, “Look at this piece of sh*t you call your mother.”
After separation, many abusers deliberately manipulate the children into distrusting, disliking, and distancing themselves from their other parent, the primary domestic violence victim. One mother described her ex telling her sons that they should ask to live only with him, because if they stayed with their mother, they would be “turned into girls.”
Another mother described her children’s father teaching their son how to hurt her: “He told our son to spray sunscreen into my eyes. Had him lock me out of the house. Told him not to listen to anything I said. My son turned into a mini-abuser after the separation.”
Supporting Boys Whose Fathers Are Abusive
Nee offers tips for adults who want to help boys whose fathers are domestic abusers:
Parenting is not about making children tougher. It’s about helping children feel safe in their bodies, confident in who they are, and free to choose how and when to use their power. This will help children learn that they are not the problem, their feelings make sense, and they can be themselves.
Winters, J., Clift, R. & Dutton, D. (2004). An Exploratory Study of Emotional Intelligence and Domestic Abuse. Journal of Family Violence, 19 . 255-267. 10.1023/B:JOFV.0000042076.21723.f3.
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Lisa Aronson Fontes , Ph.D. , is a senior lecturer at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, and the author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.