Does a Rich Sexual History Improve Love—or Undermine It?
Why sexual expertise and romantic flourishing do not always go together.
Posted May 31, 2026 | Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
" All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much ." — George Harrison
Given the central role of sexuality in romantic love, one might expect a rich sexual history to enhance the quality of romantic relationships . Yet research often points in the opposite direction: Extensive premarital sexual experience is associated with lower relationship stability and a greater likelihood of divorce . This creates a genuine puzzle, especially since most people in contemporary Western societies engage in premarital sex, often with partners other than their eventual spouse.
The paradox can be summarized in three broad empirical claims:
The first claim enjoys the strongest empirical support; the second is also well-supported, though more contested; and the third remains controversial and only weakly supported.
Sexual Interactions Are Central to Flourishing Relationships
" Too much of a good thing can be wonderful! " — Mae West
Research consistently shows that sexual satisfaction is a core component of relational well-being and one of the strongest predictors of overall relationship satisfaction for both men and women. Importantly, relationship quality and sexual satisfaction tend to reinforce one another: satisfying relationships promote better sex, and satisfying sex often strengthens relationships (Józefacka et al., 2023; Velten & Margraf, 2017; Vowels & Mark, 2020).
Sexual intimacy is not merely physical. It expresses emotional closeness, mutual responsiveness, and relational vitality. In this sense, sexuality can deepen attachment and reinforce romantic bonds. However, the law of diminishing returns may apply here as well.
Additional positive experiences often generate benefits only up to a certain point, after which the gains become smaller or even negative. This raises an intriguing question: can the accumulation of premarital sexual experiences eventually undermine some aspects of romantic flourishing? One indication may be that many people, especially women, are reluctant to disclose the full extent of their sexual history to a spouse or long-term partner.
Premarital Sex and Divorce Risk
“ I would not marry someone if the sex was bad. Sexual compatibility is among the most important things to me .” — Man
Jesse Smith and Nicholas Wolfinger (2024) report a nonlinear relationship between the number of premarital sexual partners and divorce risk. Individuals with nine or more premarital sexual partners exhibit the highest divorce risk by a substantial margin; those with one to eight partners show lower risk; and those with no premarital partners show the lowest risk.
Similarly, Marta Komorowska-Pudło (2025) found that women whose sexual experiences were exclusively with their spouse scored higher on bonding and marital compatibility than women whose first experiences were with non-romantic partners or who had multiple partners. As the number of previous partners increased, participants reported lower emotional intimacy and self-fulfillment, together with greater spouse devaluation and disappointment.
Of course, correlation does not imply causation. A rich sexual history may reflect broader personal characteristics—such as lower commitment to exclusivity, greater openness to alternatives, or different attitudes toward marriage —that themselves contribute to relationship instability.
Sexual Experience: Skill Versus Intimacy
“ Everyone can learn to be a better lover. It is the connection, the love, and the compatibility that you cannot learn. I have had several great lovers whom I could not stand after a year or so. I have also had wonderful women who were terrible in bed at first, but because they loved me and wanted to please me, we learned together. Sex can be taught .” — Man
“ My sex with my last lover was incredible but far from natural, more like perfectly staged porn where he was the superstar. I got the impression from our many hours of lovemaking that the length of the encounter was important for his personal record. I felt that he did not see or hear me but acted in a mechanical and calculated manner .” —Divorcee
These accounts illustrate two contrasting consequences of extensive sexual experience. On the one hand, experience may improve sexual skill and increase a partner’s satisfaction. On the other hand, highly polished performance can sometimes feel mechanical, impersonal, or emotionally detached. In such cases, technical expertise may undermine rather than deepen intimacy.
Sexual competence can be acquired either through multiple partners or within a committed relationship. Yet extensive experience may also bring relational costs, including greater comparison with past partners, diminished feelings of exclusivity, unresolved regrets, and a tendency to view sexuality primarily as performance rather than connection.
Something beneficial can become excessive when it no longer contributes to overall flourishing and instead interferes with more meaningful pursuits. Thus, while “the more the merrier” may hold true up to a point, one can indeed have too much of a good thing. Sex is typically a positive and enriching experience, whereas compulsive sexual behavior often has the opposite effect (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).
At its core, the question is whether repeated sexual encounters cultivate the capacity to love or merely the ability to perform. The answer varies across individuals and circumstances. Nevertheless, in an era of abundant romantic opportunities, sexual performance may sometimes receive more attention than emotional intimacy. Being a skilled sexual performer is not the same as being a devoted and authentic lover.
“ Considering sex to be a dealbreaker doesn’t mean you’re in it ‘just for the sex .’” — Man
Sexual attraction and satisfaction are undeniably important in romantic relationships. People tend to evaluate relationships with attractive partners more positively, partly because such partners become associated with pleasure. Attractive partners may also enhance satisfaction by comparing favorably with perceived alternatives (Gardiner et al., 2026). However, sexual expertise and attraction alone are insufficient to sustain deep and enduring love. Compatibility in values, emotional responsiveness, trust, and shared goals remain essential. Because these factors differ greatly across individuals, the effects of extensive sexual experience on long-term relationship quality are complex and difficult to generalize.
The central paradox therefore remains. Sexuality is a vital component of romantic flourishing; yet more sexual experience does not necessarily produce better romantic outcomes. A rich sexual history may provide knowledge, confidence , and skill, but it may also create challenges for exclusivity, intimacy, and long-term stability. In romantic love, as in many other areas of life, more is not always better.
Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2019). The arc of love : How our romantic lives change over time . University of Chicago Press.
Gardiner, E., et al. (2026). Attractiveness: Relationship Satisfaction. In Encyclopedia of Sexual Psychology and Behavior (pp. 1-8).
Józefacka, N. M., et al. (2023). What matters in a relationship. International journal of environmental research and public health , 20 (5), 4103.
Komorowska-Pudło, M. (2025). Sexual initiation and premarital sexual partners and the quality of bond, communication, and perceived marital match among young adult spouses. Kwartalnik Naukowy Fides et Ratio , 62 , 9-25.
Smith, J., & Wolfinger, N. H. (2024). Re-examining the link between premarital sex and divorce. Journal of family issues , 45 , 674-696.
Velten, J., & Margraf, J. (2017). Satisfaction guaranteed? How individual, partner, and relationship factors impact sexual satisfaction within partnerships. PloS one , 12 (2), e0172855.
Vowels, L. M., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Relationship and sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy , 35 , 46-59.
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Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is a professor of philosophy. His books include The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change Over Time.
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