Creating Peace Through Mindful Relational Competence
Pretending to be incapable to avoid responsibility harms relationships.
Updated October 23, 2025 | Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
There’s been a little buzz recently about weaponized incompetence . Weaponized incompetence occurs when you find yourself “pretending to be incapable or insufficient at some task so that someone else will do it for you,” according to Carrie Krawiec, LMFT. i This behavior takes a toll on any relationship. Let’s examine this weaponized or strategic incompetence and other types of incompetence or competence and see where mindfulness may interrupt this relationship-choking behavior.
Competence is the ability to decide, act, and learn in a given context. ii Sounds straightforward, but it can be a little nuanced. Here are a few of the levels of in/competence we may experience:
Competence and Incompetence in Romantic Relationships
In a romantic relationship , we can be at any of these levels of understanding. If, however, we strategically avoid responsibility, we may weaponize incompetence. Have you ever acted like you didn’t hear the kids yelling for help so that your partner would solve the problem? Have you ever ignored the clogged sink so that you didn’t have to be the one to unclog it?
If this tactic has crept into your relationship, mindfulness may help. Mindfulness is as simple as slowing down your breathing and relaxing your thoughts to try to stay in the moment. Mindfulness is not a passive attitude of acceptance of poor behavior from ourselves or our partners. Nor is it acquiescence to unreasonable expectations. Instead, mindfulness challenges thoughts and behaviors, interactions, and motivations. Mindful people create a balanced response to their beloved. Mindful partners become aware of detail, emotion , and behavior that previously escaped their notice and can thereby raise questions to their partner about behavior and motivations.
Encouraging Mindfulness to Encourage Competence
It’s hard to help someone unaware of their incompetence (mindlessness). But encouraging mindfulness–like paying attention to the present moment- begins the process of noticing the previously invisible emotions, motives, and nuance.
If I am aware that I lack some skill or wisdom , here is where mindfulness may have a strong impact on my life. I know I am missing something and want to become more aware. I may feel motivated to learn how to be more aware and still.
Mindfully Skilled Responses
If you or your partner has ever pretended to be incompetent to avoid responsibility, here are a few mindful tips :
I might think they have been strategically incompetent when they come home with one gallon of milk, two bags of cookies, three loaves of bread, and four boxes of baking soda. However, my partner may be a literal or linear thinker. Slowing down and seeing each other's perspective is one way being mindful helps relationships. viii
If you question whether your partner is trying to bamboozle you by pretending not to know how to do something, ask, don’t blame. Maybe there is a legitimate misunderstanding. Slow the process down by using mindfulness to see your partner’s perspective and to be firm about what you want and do not want without coloring your comments with biased thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness will help you and your partner move from unconscious incompetence to conscious competence.
[i] https://www.birminghammaple.com/carrie-krawiec-lmft/
[ii] Franz, H. W., Kaletka, C., Pelka, B., & Sarcina, R. (2018). Growing experience: From unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence. In Building Leadership in Project and Network Management (pp. 209-226). Springer, Cham.
[iii] Hassannejad Emamchay, M., & Zabihi, R. (2021). The effect of mindfulness-based stress reducing program on tolerance of ambiguity, rumination, and metacognitive awareness in infertile women. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling , 1-10.
[iv] Yang, M., Jia, G., Sun, S., Ye, C., Zhang, R., & Yu, X. (2019). Effects of an online mindfulness intervention focusing on attention monitoring and acceptance in pregnant women: a randomized controlled trial. Journal of midwifery & women's health , 64 (1), 68-77.
[v] Cheang, R., Gillions, A., & Sparkes, E. (2019). Do mindfulness-based interventions increase empathy and compassion in children and adolescents: A systematic review. Journal of Child and Family Studies , 28 (7), 1765-1779.
[vi] Cooper, D., Yap, K., & O’Brien, M. (2020). Mindfulness and empathy among counseling and psychotherapy professionals: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Mindfulness , 11 (10), 2243-2257.
[vii] Karremans, J. C., Schellekens, M. P., & Kappen, G. (2017). Bridging the sciences of mindfulness and romantic relationships: A theoretical model and research agenda. Personality and Social Psychology Review , 21 (1), 29-49.
[viii] Karremans, J. C., Schellekens, M. P., & Kappen, G. (2017). Bridging the sciences of mindfulness and romantic relationships: A theoretical model and research agenda. Personality and Social Psychology Review , 21 (1), 29-49.
[ix] Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2021). Kind words do not become tired words: Undervaluing the positive impact of frequent compliments. Self and Identity , 20 (1), 25-46.
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Chelom E. Leavitt, J.D., Ph.D., is an assistant professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
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