Caregiving as Ways to Bond With Stepchildren
Stepparent caregiving equals care plus giving.
Posted June 3, 2026 | Reviewed by Davia Sills
There are many things stepparents can do to get stepchildren to like them and to bond with them. Researchers have found that playing works to enhance relationships (see “Having Fun With Stepchildren” ) and working on projects with stepchildren can promote bonding (see “Getting Closer to Stepchildren Through Working Together” ), as can being an ally to stepchildren (see “Becoming an Ally to Stepchildren” ). A less clear-cut but effective approach to building closer ties with stepchildren is through everyday caregiving .
In this context, caregiving means doing things to help another person. A stepparent’s caregiving generally involves supporting a stepchild’s physical and emotional well-being. For young stepchildren, caregiving may mean feeding them, keeping them clean, tucking them into bed, comforting them when they are hurt or scared, and making sure they are safe. For adolescent stepchildren, caregiving also may involve physical care (e.g., feeding them), comforting and encouraging them when they are stressed , and keeping them safe.
Caregiving as Bonding?
Caregiving activities that enhance bonding usually involve personal contact with stepchildren. Activities like doing laundry, washing dishes, doing yardwork, and other household tasks may provide care indirectly, but are less likely to contribute to emotional bonding between a stepparent and a stepchild. Making meals, helping them get dressed, reading to them, comforting children—these behaviors have been shown to make a positive difference in how stepchildren relate to stepparents.
Bonding with stepchildren can be a positive outcome of caregiving, but it is often not the primary reason why stepparents take care of their stepchildren. Stepparents engage in caregiving for multiple reasons. For example, caregiving is part of childrearing, and stepparents often want to help their partners raise their children. Sometimes caregiving is done: (1) because stepparents are expected by others to take care of children in their households; (2) out of affection for partners and/or stepchildren; and (3) because caregiving is seen as the “right thing” to do.
Although nearly all stepparents provide some care for their stepchildren, stepparents should not be surprised when stepchildren do not notice their caregiving. Children generally expect to be cared for by the adults in their lives, or they may be too young or too self-focused to appreciate stepparents’ caregiving efforts. When stepchildren do notice their stepparent’s caregiving efforts, they often respond positively. Stepchildren may feel grateful ; they may feel they matter to stepparents, and caregiving can make them feel safe.
Honoring Caregiving Boundaries
When stepchildren notice a stepparent providing care, bonding is not guaranteed. Caregiving may be unwelcome if stepchildren interpret caregiving as the stepparent trying to replace an absent parent. This can lead to resentment. Researchers have reported that effective stepparents, aware that stepchildren may misinterpret their caregiving, make it a point to tell stepchildren they are not trying to replace their parents. These stepparents try to make it clear that they respect parents’ rights, roles, and responsibilities, and they want to support parents, not replace them.
Even then, caregiving may not always be appreciated by stepchildren. Clinicians point out that some stepchildren who have positive feelings for stepparents fear they are being disloyal to an absent parent, so they pull away from the stepparent or reject the stepparent’s efforts to become closer. If this happens, stepparents may feel as if they should step back and reduce caregiving. When they reduce caregiving behaviors, however, this may diminish their closeness to stepchildren.
Depending on the stepchild’s age, how involved the nonresidential parent is, and the parents’ preferences, stepparents may still continue caregiving even when stepchildren resent it. If this is the case, it is helpful for stepparents to continually repeat the message to stepchildren that they are trying to help parents, not replace them. Parents can help get this message across by reminding stepchildren that the stepparent is providing care to be supportive but is not obligated to do so.
Managing feelings when their caregiving is not welcomed is often challenging for stepparents. Research evidence, however, indicates that persistent kindness and support pay off for stepparents. Waiting months or even years before stepchildren appreciate a stepparent’s caregiving efforts is difficult. Stepparenting is not easy for individuals who need quick gratification—the relationship rewards for caregiving may take years to accomplish, but these rewards happen for many stepparents, so persistence is critical.
Caregiving literally is care plus giving. Caregiving is the nurturing, nourishing, supporting part of childrearing. Caregiving is not disciplining, setting rules, controlling, or demanding certain behaviors from children—those aspects of childrearing should be left to the parents while stepparents focus on giving care to stepchildren and bonding with them. As stepfamily therapist Patricia Papernow has aptly framed it, stepparents need connection before correction . Caregiving is connecting with stepchildren while also respecting parental boundaries .
Ganong, L., Coleman, M., & Sanner, C. (2025), What works in stepfamilies: Creating and maintaining satisfying and effective relationships . Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003369073
Ganong, L., Coleman, M., Fine, M., & Martin, P. (1999). Stepparents’ affinity-seeking and affinity-maintaining strategies with stepchildren. Journal of Family Issues, 20(3) , 299-327. https://doi.org/10.1177/019251399020003001
Ganong, L., Papernow, P., Jensen, T., Oliver-Blackwell, B., & Browning, S. (2025). Stepfamily Ready: Preparing for Stepfamily Life . Online course sponsored by the Utah Commission on Marriage. https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/course/stepfamilyready
Papernow, P. (2026). S urviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships: What works and what doesn't (2nd. Ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203813645-32
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Lawrence Ganong, Ph.D. , is an emeritus professor in Human Development and Family Science at the University of Missouri.
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