Captured by Limerence
Why limerence isn't really love.
Updated December 16, 2024 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Conquering the world is easier than conquering love.
For perfectionists, love tends to be the proverbial final boss of a video game, the missing capstone of a great pyramid. To view one's life as a sort of simulation, wherein one is the main character, creates the bedrock for delusions of reference, where neutral events seem to be related to you, a tendency to personalize, or find that failures and rejections are solely because of who you are, and limerence, an obsessive infatuation with an individual who may or may not be romantically interested in return. When the world revolves around one and one's efforts, limerence is an indicator of a crack in the system, of something gone awry in a world made to make sense. There isn't an evident way to manage the feeling. She realizes the world wasn't built for her.
Here, the phrase "object of affection" is pertinent, as the other is treated as an object, another possession for the perfectionist to prove his worth and ability to grasp. Empathy and limerence rarely go together, as the latter precludes and inhibits the former. Limerence is insidious because it's often disguised as love. Yet, with time acting as the great revealer, it betrays an unwillingness to accept one's limitations, an inability to foster a modicum of concern for the "object," disdain for universally acknowledged rules, terror of an unsympathetic universe, and resistance to creating one's own blueprint for one's life, as opposed to believing he's following a version laid out for him by the cosmos. A destiny, if you will.
While those elements may be human, they are in no way related to love. "I want" and "I need" are the furthest things from it; there is no "we" involved. The love object is thus haunted by the sense that he isn't seen, as his need for boundaries and comfort is overridden by the unshackled cravings of desire. If, as psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams wrote, narcissists profoundly need people but hardly love them, those with dependent personalities only deeply "love" them because they compulsively need them, in the way a child may love a parent. They seek to become important to them so they can become more important than them (and others, too, through the union). In the glow of idealization, there is no other, for the need binds and contorts them.
Limerence isn't just an illusion because of its confusion with love; it may also create a pathway similar to those normally used by perfectionists. Limerence, in its more aggressive manifestation, is dominance, both directly and indirectly. As the feeling overwhelms its captive, she suffocates hers in turn. Whatever chance love stood is easily eliminated, as control is the only tolerable state.
To manage his feelings, he attempts to become a puppeteer.
Unfortunately, our culture tends to contribute to these states, presenting one individual as the selfless pursuer and the other as the ignorant and arrogant runner, much like the ancient Greek tale of Narcissus and Echo, which embodied this pursuit, painting Narcissus as lacking humility while absolving Echo of her responsibility to live in reality. While Narcissus' arrogance was evident, as he considered himself to be above her and others, Echo’s remained hidden.
Limerence, again in its aggressive form, is a great example of self-delusion, not only in thinking that efforts inevitably lead to success but also in considering them to be morally grounded. People often say things like, "It's good to fight for love." But is it? And how do we know that love needs to be fought for? Status requires effort. Pride requires effort. Wealth requires effort. But love? Love is often merely felt. It isn't awarded. Fighting for it may only matter if another's love is fortified by self-loathing . In this respect, it isn't so much that you're seeking to be valued but that you already know you are. But even in this case, one's sense of certainty should be based on direct feedback. Our minds tend to see what isn't there.
If one can tolerate one's own reflection, as Narcissus couldn't, limerence may be addressed. To acknowledge how this feeling, at bottom, is about self-oriented support and preservation is to, potentially, reduce its power. The capstone on the pyramid is possibly the worst ending to one's life, far from any storybook. In the end, the perfectionist finds herself in the midst of a groundless other, also unmoored by morals and compassion, both of which were long ago replaced with baseless ideals. Limerence, when abetted, seldom results in anyone feeling special. And, in taking that path, one's mirror starts to feel much more distant than before.
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Leon Garber is a licensed mental health counselor in Brooklyn, NY. He specializes in treating obsessive-compulsive disorder, perfectionism, and existential issues.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.