“Can’t You Take a Joke?”: What to Do When Teasing Hurts
A couples therapist explores why humor can hurt and how to talk about it.
Posted June 30, 2019 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. After a few moments, Bill says, “Hurry up, Messy Bessy, we don’t have all night.” Jenna feels her cheeks flush and her eyes fill with tears. Seeing that she is getting upset, Bill comments, “Come on. Can’t you take a joke?!” Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each other’s arms!
I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone “can’t take a joke.”
Let’s explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. The basic recipe for relational health is this: Do more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter , and play. All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection.
Teasing in and of itself is not always negative—in fact, in many circumstances, it is wonderful. It can be a potent form of flirtation and seduction. It can reflect how well you know your partner. It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. How ironic that teasing is something that can both enhance connection and sever it.
I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact . In an intimate partnership, we are going to step on each other’s toes from time to time. Our words and actions can have the impact of feeling hurtful to our partner without us having the intention of being hurtful. Making this distinction can help us make amends. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable.
I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation.
Questions for the Teaser
Questions for the Teased:
I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we don’t say each day. View a fight that stems from an ill-fated joke not as a reason to withdraw or get defensive but as a vehicle for intimacy . This moment of friction gifts you access into your partner’s interior, their map of pain points and insecurities, as well as insights into your own patterns and beliefs. Treating those tender spots—your own and your partner’s—with reverence and care deepens trust and creates healing. It also helps you to face the world together as a team. And there’s no better place to be than on your partner’s team!
Share this post Facebook Bluesky Linkedin Email
There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.
By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy
Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D. , is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern University’s Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.