Being a Man by Being Human
Returning to our shared humanity can ease the pressure men face today.
Posted October 10, 2025 | Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
There's been a growing conversation about the pressures young men face today. Social isolation , financial stress , and uncertainty about the future are wearing many down, and rates of depression , anxiety , and suicide among men keep rising. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, in 2023, the suicide rate for U.S. males was nearly four times higher than among females. While the intensity of their struggles may feel new, the expectations placed on men are ancient.
For generations, masculinity was defined by external markers: strength by dominance, respect by provision, and toughness by suppressing emotion . A study of more than 2,000 U.S. men found that when people perceive a gap between who they feel they should be (by societal standards) and who they are, that "discrepancy stress" links to poorer mental health and diminished life satisfaction.
Pitt and Fox coined the term "performative masculinity" to explain that being a man is not fixed or inherent, but something men perform depending on the context they are in. Masculinity becomes something you do, rather than something you simply are.
Alongside the pressure to meet old norms, a new challenge has emerged: confusion. Men today are being asked to open up, be vulnerable, and show emotional availability. This shift is fueled both by women rightly seeking deeper equality and emotional intimacy in relationships and by a broader cultural awakening that questions the limits of rigid, traditional masculinity. While such evolution is necessary, many men find themselves unprepared, without role models or tools to navigate the new expectations.
The Search for Answers in All the Wrong Places
Some respond to confusion with performance. For example, the rise of "performative masculinity 2.0" involves men adopting specific aesthetics to be perceived as sensitive, progressive, and intellectual. They drink matcha, carry tote bags, and listen to female artists. By their own admission, the traits are often adopted not from authentic interest but from a desire for validation.
Others turn to religion, social media influencers, or traditional templates rooted in stoicism, control, and dominance. Yet here's the paradox: Trying to find authenticity by following someone else's rule book pulls men further from who they really are.
I remember one client who believed that the only way to be attractive was to appear intimidating, stoic, even a bit scary. At his core, though, he was sensitive, creative, and deeply empathetic . Living behind a persona that didn't belong to him left him exhausted, isolated, and insecure. " It’s like I’m walking around in a mask that doesn’t fit,” he said, “but I’m never allowed to take it off.”
The solution isn’t choosing a different mask, nor perfecting some performance of manhood. It’s daring to take off the mask and look in the mirror, to face yourself as who you are, not just who you think you should be. This means returning to one fundamental truth: At your core, you are a human being. When we start from that foundation, the pressure begins to ease. We stop chasing an image and start identifying ourselves with who we already are.
What does it look like to return to that core? Here are six ways to reconnect with our humanity and, in doing so, embody a more authentic masculinity.
Six Ways to Return to That Core
In the end, the question isn’t What kind of man should I be? It’s How can I be a good human today? From that foundation, masculinity is no longer a performance. It becomes an authentic expression of our shared humanity.
National Institute of Mental Health. (2024, March). Suicide in the United States: Statistics and facts. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide
Upenieks L, McGowan AC, Hill TD. Masculine Discrepancy Stress, Subjective Well-Being, and the Buffering Role of Religiosity. Am J Mens Health. 2024 May-Jun;18(3)
Pitt S.L., Fox C.A. in Masculinity/Femininty: Re-Framing a Fragmented Debate. Brill; Leiden, The Netherlands: 2012. Performative masculinity: A new theory on masculinity; pp. 37–46.
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Friedemann Schaub, M.D., Ph.D., is a physician, researcher, personal development coach, and the award-winning author of The Fear and Anxiety Solution and The Empowerment Solution.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.