Are You Parenting Your Partner?
Parentification is an unhealthy relationship dynamic that can erode intimacy.
Posted September 9, 2025 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Early life experiences can have a lasting impact on how we navigate our sexual and romantic relationships in adulthood. For example, our attachment styles, which are formed in childhood , can influence the traits we look for in a partner, the ease with which we can cultivate trust and intimacy, as well as the way we handle conflict.
Beyond attachment dynamics, another early experience that can potentially affect long-term relationship satisfaction and success is parentification . When someone starts to take on a parentified role at a young age, this can lead them to start taking on parentified roles in their romantic relationships and marriages later in life.
What Is Parentification?
Parentification occurs when children essentially take on a parental role to their caregiver, assuming responsibilities or tasks that are developmentally inappropriate for them. This can take a lot of different forms, but may include things such as children being asked to take on a lot of care for their younger siblings, to help their parents navigate difficult emotions or serve as a confidante, to assist with the family's budgeting and finances, or take on a large amount of housework.
In situations like this, kids are not only taking on a lot of tasks that would normally be the caregiver's responsibility, but their efforts often go unnoticed and unappreciated. Some of the psychological consequences of this are that children in parentified roles may learn to suppress their own emotions, become overly independent, and believe that they can only truly rely on themselves.
Impact of Parentification on Romantic Relationships
In a recent study published in the journal Family Relations , researchers examined how childhood experiences of parentification impacted adult women's romantic relationships. They looked at women's self-reported parentification by asking about their childhood experiences, such as whether they felt like their feelings were acknowledged by their caregivers, if they were taking on a large emotional caregiving role, and whether they were responsible for domestic tasks that would typically be their caregiver's duty.
The researchers found that women who experienced parentification as children were more likely to feel that their psychological needs were unmet in their romantic relationships and reported lower overall relationship satisfaction. They explained that parentified individuals may be less likely to authentically express their needs to their partners, as their needs were often deprioritized in early relationships with caregivers. As the authors wrote, they may be “unable to engage in this kind of authentic self-disclosure because they have grown up with a sense that their own needs are illegitimate."
Couples may be able to overcome some of these challenges through authentic communication and challenging their existing relationship beliefs; however, changing those ingrained beliefs can be difficult and may necessitate work with a skilled therapist.
Parenting Your Partner
On a recent episode of the Sex and Psychology Podcast , I spoke with sex therapist Kate Balestrieri about other ways that parentification can impact adult relationships. When children take on parental roles early in life, they often find themselves slipping into parental roles with their partners and spouses later on. And when one partner falls into the role of "parent" and the other into the role of "child," it can also be harmful to their intimate life.
Balestrieri explained that when you take on more than your fair share around the home, you may feel chronically tired, burnt out, or even resentful of your partner, all of which can drastically decrease one's desire for sex. Further, if you feel like you have to constantly remind your partner to do everything, keep track of their belongings, pick up after them, or get them into bed every night, this can create conflict and tension in the relationship that further erodes intimacy and desire.
So how do you deal with changing a parentified dynamic? Balestrieri suggests having an explicit conversation about workload with your partner and discussing ways of making things more equitable. However, if that doesn’t lead to meaningful change and you still find yourself in the "parent" role, she suggests considering which tasks you’re willing to stop as a way of prompting your partner to start taking initiative (e.g., only doing your own laundry). While this may create temporary discomfort, the disruption can highlight what needs attention in the relationship and potentially motivate your partner to engage in change.
If you're still struggling to break the parentified dynamic or find that it's too deeply embedded in your relationship, working with a couple's therapist can be very helpful.
Parentification can have a lasting impact on how individuals experience and navigate romantic relationships. By taking on adult roles too early, children may learn to neglect their own needs, suppress their emotions, and struggle with authentic communication later in life.
In addition, it can set the stage for taking on a parental role in romantic relationships, wherein one partner overcompensates for the other, making the relationship inequitable and posing challenges for intimacy. Recognizing and addressing these patterns and challenges is a crucial step toward building more equitable and emotionally healthy partnerships.
Facebook image: Gorynvd/Shutterstock
Tolmacz, R., Hasson, S., Cohen, M., & Mikulincer, M. (2025). Parentification and satisfaction of psychological needs in romantic relationships: The mediating role of relational attitudes. Family Relations , 74 (1), 308–322. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.13094
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Justin J. Lehmiller, Ph.D. , is a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.