Are You Deciding or Sliding in Your Love Life?
Deciding to get married and have children are often based on peer pressure.
Posted May 30, 2024 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Are you actively deciding to move on to the next romantic stage of your love life, or are you simply slip-sliding along the route to what may seem like the next logical step?
After we decide to commit ourselves to someone, our decision-making process may change course.
Commitment is based on both the individual’s particular personality traits as well as the interdependence of the individuals on one another. Put simply, people who need other people and feel needed by those people are more likely to commit to each other than those who don’t.
Suddenly, Rapunzel and her prince falling in love at first sight seems to make a lot more sense: Rapunzel needed her freedom, and every fairytale prince needs a romantic partner who just happens to be a helpless maiden.
But how do we know if our love will last the test of time?
According to science, relationships last when (1) people need or depend on each other and (2) the other options for potential mates aren't particularly appealing.
In 1980, researcher C.E. Rusbult added the idea of romantic investment to this equation.
The decision to stay in a relationship is also a result of the resources that could be lost if the relationship ends. This includes money, possessions, and emotional investments—in particular, how much you allowed that person to get to know you and your vulnerabilities.
In other words, there are times when we want to stay in a relationship simply because we have given so much of ourselves to it.
This is staying in a relationship for the sake of the relationship. Not because you love your partner.
However, the longer a couple stays together, the more their joint identity grows. At some point, it may start to feel as if staying with a partner is about your identity as a couple, rather than staying together because you love each other.
How Does a Relationship Best Survive?
A long-term relationship is likely to continue if (1) both individuals are happy within it and (2) the available options for alternative partners aren't super-appealing.
Research also shows that choosing pro-relationship strategies can increase the likelihood of a long-term relationship succeeding over time.
What is a pro-relationship strategy?
What Is Sliding in Relationships?
Couples who live together before they marry tend to have:
Researchers Stanley, Whitton, and Markman (2004) found that men who lived with their wives before they were married reported significantly less dedication to their wives than men who did not live with their wives before they were married. In 2005, Manning and Smock found that more than 50 percent of couples who live together report "drifting or sliding" into cohabitation, rather than having a conversation for the specific purpose of approaching the question of whether the couple feels that they are ready to live together.
The issue that comes up with sliding into decisions such as living together, having sex , having children, or even entering an emotionally volatile relationship is that there is a reduction in future options that is not being considered.
If a couple slides into sex, have they considered whether there is an expectation that neither will have sex with other people moving forward?
If you slide into the idea of having a child, has either person contemplated the possibility that if the relationship does not work out the possibility of ending up as a single parent may be lurking around the corner?
The question being raised is akin to a game of Chutes & Ladders. In this childhood game, you can get ahead by climbing a ladder that leads you on a path to a better future. On the other hand, if you happen to land on a chute—or, as in relationships, if you happen to slide into an important decision—you may miss the opportunity to separate your in-the-moment romantic notions from what is logically and rationally best for you both in the long run.
Stanley SM, Rhoades GK, Whitton SW. Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment. J Fam Theory Rev. 2010 Dec 1;2(4):243–257. doi: 10.1111/j.1756-2589.2010.00060.x. PMID: 21339829; PMCID: PMC3039217.
Rusbult CE. Commitment and satisfaction in romantic associations: A test of the investment model. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 1980;16:172–186.
Rusbult CE, Zembrodt IM, Gunn LK. Exit, voice, loyalty, and neglect: Responses to dissatisfaction in romantic involvement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . 1982;43:1230–1242.
Stanley SM, Whitton SW, Markman HJ. Maybe I do: Interpersonal commitment and premarital or nonmarital cohabitation. Journal of Family Issues. 2004;25:496–519.
Manning WD, Smock PJ. Measuring and modeling cohabitation: New perspectives from qualitative data. J ournal of Marriage and Family. 2005;67:989–1002.
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Lindsay Weisner, Psy.D., is a psychologist in private practice in Long Island, the author of Ten Steps To Finding Happy , and the host of the Neurotic Nourishment Podcast.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.