Alien Selves, Abusive Partners, and Early Trauma
How a disowned part of a self can lead to an abusive partner.
Posted May 7, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
The Alien Self, as described by Fonagy and Bateman, is a detested, disavowed, disowned part of the self that arises out of trauma. Early neglect or abuse can lead a child to feel as if they are an undesirable or unworthy being. Caregivers not grasping, or even having disdain for, a child's natural leanings, can also create an Alien Self. Because it is not welcome or celebrated, the child seals off an authentic identity . Because they were not embraced, they do not embrace themselves.
Critical, persecutory voices, originally from outside, remain in the inner life. The Alien Self is both an aspect of identity and a repository for others' negative responses to that identity. Being in touch with the Alien Self can be intolerable, as it gives rise to shame . If the Alien Self remains cut off or unconscious , if authentic drives are suppressed, self-destructive leanings, such as choosing an abusive partner, ensue. Unprocessed trauma can lead to against-the-self decisions. Self-awareness is a great moderator. If the Alien Self is brought into consciousness and questioned, one might feel more vitalized, authentic, and able. Silent moments may be peaceful and playful, instead of painful.
The Alien Self and Rejection of Identity
When a parent and child just are not in sync, criticism might be more common than compliments and disdain can replace respect. Misunderstood and diminished, the child shuts down or retreats and the Alien Self can form. Hiding and low self-esteem replace exploration, joy, and confidence . Ideally, the parent reflects back the child's organic identity with a "gleam" in their eye (Heinz Kohut). That gleam allows the child to explore, experiment, and feel confident.
Attachment Styles and the Alien Self
The Alien Self is linked to early attachment difficulties and fraught relations going forward. One cannot latch on if one feels unsafe or one latches on too tightly as if nothing can fill the inchoate void. Insecure, avoidant, and anxious attachments can elicit contempt and abuse as the supposed weakness in one can elicit sadistic tendencies in another. Inviting or accepting cruelty, from mocking insults to physical injury, seems to make no sense, but there are unconscious reasons for this. Viscerally, we repeat traumas we do not recall to try to master them. We settle for crumbs because relative to the neglect, they seem sweet. Happiness depends on contrast. Trauma bonds and co-dependencies have abusive aspects but are attempts to complete and comfort a bereft self.
The Purpose of the Abusive Partner
We are all familiar with the phenomenon of sane, smart loved ones staying in abusive relationships. Choosing (unconsciously) an abusive partner serves a psychological purpose as it feels proactive and containing, and it places torturous inner demons outside the self. Putting the abusive voice or the Alien Self outside the self is a way of managing it. It might feel better to be in action—doing, rather than sitting passively, assaulted by critical voices and fears. Active trumps passive. Finessing, dodging, or cajoling the scary other can lead to warm moments and small wins, though they might be rare. Intermittent conditioning can make it hard to let go as it is the hardest form of learning to extinguish.
A Word About Projection
Externalizing inner conflict also occurs in other conditions, such as projection . Projection involves attributing unwanted personal characteristics to another to try to rid them. The Alien Self is less about ridding and more about inviting in. The Alien Self seeks a tormenter because it is preferable to self-torment.
What to Do About the Alien Self
Process trauma. Sit with the inner situation with a therapist or in your own way. Self-loathing is painful. The whole gestalt of being in the thing we worked so hard to avoid is uncomfortable. However, in time, reflection and altered perspectives can disable the destructive power of the Alien Self. That which we think is true about self, others, or situation really may not be true. Realizing that early mistreatment was not about you, but them, is liberating.
Misunderstandings and distortions are inevitable. The idea of the "good enough mother" (Winnicott) suggests that calamities are par for the course. Limitations in ourselves and in others are a given, but there are helpful and unhelpful ways to address them. Some issues can be repaired but some cannot because the transgressions were too great.
If early life experience exceeded expectable transgressions, with proper support, one can accept, mourn, and move on. The Alien Self, brought into consciousness, understood and integrated, frees authenticity and silences persecutory voices. Hope can be found when other perspectives are considered. A bit of doubt injected into our sad certainties can open up possibilities and new paths.
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Kohut, Heinz. The Analysis of the Self: A Systematic Approach to the Psychoanalytic Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorders. 2009
Bateman, et al. Cambridge Guide to Mentalization-Based Treatment (MBT). 2023.
Winnicott, D. The Theory of the Parent-Infant Relationship. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 1960.
Winnicott, D. The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development
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Carrie (Grace Caroline) Barron, M.D. , is Psychiatrist-in-Charge of the Silver Hill New York Intensive Outpatient Program and an Associate Professor of Medical Education at Dell Medical School at the University of Texas at Austin.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.