Adult Twins Face Obstacles to Close Relationships

Understanding and managing social challenges and loneliness.

Posted April 14, 2026 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina

The moment of birth—living without your twin by your side, as twins experience the womb—is the first stage of twin separation, which is accompanied by crying and fussing. Growing apart peacefully from your twin while using good judgement is a long-term process which starts at birth and continues on for practical reasons and to encourage individuality.

School classroom separation in kindergarten is a planned and official time for separation from one another. For more than fifty years school policy to separate twins in modern learning centers/schools has been and is still required. Educators finally realized that twins need to learn on their own and give up working together and copying one another. Being in separate classes teaches twins to begin to make decisions on their own doing school tasks and making new friends.

Separation is certainly more difficult for twins than single children. I have reached this conclusion based on my many consultations with parents and teachers. Twins speak clearly about missing their twin, especially in childhood . I also remember that my twin sister and I were not separated in school until we were in seventh grade.

Being in separate classes was a big emotional task that was hard on us from an emotional and cognitive perspective. For example, we missed each other’s companionship and had a hard time not getting help with school work and homework assignments. Making new friends without my twin with me was a totally confusing experience for so many reasons, but I don’t have space to recount them here. My sister had very similar experiences, which we talked about.

Finally, we also began to wear different clothes because our mom did not want to waste money on the same clothes. Now I am horrified remembering that as teenagers we considered looking alike, which at that time was normal for twins. I know we finally gave up wanting to look like copies of each other. We never regressed back to our old ways of looking alike as we got into high school. Perhaps we did not want to be confused or enraged by strangers or friends asking, “Which one are you?” Perhaps this was a sign of our growing independence.

Seeing and Feeling Differences As We Made Our Own Decisions and Friends

My twin was the spokesperson in our pair. She was very good as a young teenager at giving a speech and presentations. She was Girls League Student Body president in 8th grade. I was definitely not interested in speaking in front of a lot of people even with encouragement and extra help. I tried to stay in the background and help my twin stay on task. She liked and used my support. We were very used to functioning as a pair. On our own, as singletons, we had many social problems.

Acting on our own specific interests was hard and even traumatic . Should I do something without my twin? There are still impossible questions that we could not and cannot answer. Did we not know who we were when we were not together or when we were alone? Gradually we learned that we were a special pair which softened the troubles we encountered without each other. In other words, we learned the value of being a twin in a serious way, as compared to early childhood, where just being together was enough.

Gradually, we understood that our sister got what we were saying and feeling very easily. Long explanations were not necessary. We approved each other’s outfits and friends. Sometimes we agreed and sometimes we did not support one another.

The Need to Be Separate Individuals

Like most twins, in time we learned to like and appreciate being apart from each other. Finally, there was some freedom to do what we wanted to do alone. Tireless fighting slowed down as competition over friends, toys, books, food, attention was not always available to get involved with, and was not expected or necessary. Comparative questions such as, “Who is smarter, prettier, or most interesting” declined. Because commonly, twins also feel lost and insecure without each other, individuality is a hard idea for young twins to understand and accept. Later in life many twins resent being twins as they experience the clear ramifications of their closeness to one another, which can be stifling.

Honestly, the need to actually be separate individuals is a hard concept to grasp if you are a twin. Metaphorically speaking, because twins are born with a twin identity and a separate sense of self, it is a very hard and confusing learning experience to come to terms with, not being with your twin as part of a pair. It is even hard to explain the sensation to non-twins. Gradually, comfort being alone is established, which helps individuality to develop and grow. Feeling like something is missing when you are without your twin remains a problem in different situations for a very long time.

How Do Twins Become Themselves?

Parenting each child in reaction to what they want and what they need is crucial and the basis for a unique sense of self, which is sometimes labelled identity. Environmental and genetic factors also contribute to individual differences. Parenting is an important factor as well. For example, is one child seen as like mom and the other like dad, which directs parental reactions and develops identity.

My work with twins is concerned with problematic social development and the loneliness that is seen as twins develop separate identities. Loneliness for twins is extremely painful and even frightening. Making new friends can create confusion and disappointments that are hard to understand if you are not a twin. Fighting over what one twin has and what the other twin wants to share (or not) are difficult problems to solve. Too much sharing creates very difficult and intense interactional problems and nonstop fighting. Avoiding promoting twin alikeness is crucial, even though most people think that twins should be copies of one another.

How to Promote Individuality

Carefully find out how each child is different from the other and talk about differences and similarities with caretakers and the twins themselves.
Spend separate time with each child.
Find learning and social experiences that are unique to each child and develop different experiences in those areas.
Try to help twins have their own friends but don’t push them to have separate friends. Gradually they will, with encouragement, have their own friends.

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Barbara Klein, Ph.D., Ed.D. , is an author and educational consultant who has done extensive research on the development of twin identity.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.