Adopting an Outlook of Personal Control
Do we focus on what we have control over?
Updated November 3, 2025 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Years ago, I identified “personal control” as a key component of a resilient outlook and a resilient life. I defined personal control as the ability to focus our time and energy on factors over which we have some influence rather than on situations over which we have little, if any, control. Resilient people have learned to cope effectively with challenges and adversity and demonstrate personal control. In contrast, those who are not resilient typically lack personal control and are burdened by low self-worth , frustration, anger , and resentment.
Given how frequently I’ve witnessed in my clinical work with both children and adults the consequences of limited personal control, it became a primary focus of my work. The following are just a few examples:
A 9-year-old boy who had recently been diagnosed with ADHD asked, “Why did God choose me to be the one with ADHD? It’s not fair.”
During couples therapy , a wife exclaimed, “I’d be in a good marriage if I weren’t married to him!”
Similarly, during a consultation, a teacher pronounced, “I’d be a better teacher if I had students who came to class with better self-discipline and motivation.”
A 50-year-old man with learning problems sadly observed, “My life would have been much happier and more successful if I didn’t have learning problems.”
Why Me? The Victim’s Mentality
There is some truth to the comments housed in these examples. Having students who show self-discipline and intrinsic motivation makes it easier to create a more supportive learning environment. But do we have control over which students attend our classroom? Struggles with learning can make a person’s life more stressful , but do we have control over being born with a learning problem ? What we may have more control over than we may realize is our attitude and response to challenging situations we face.
“Why me?” “Why my child?” These are natural questions when we or our children face learning, emotional, or behavioral challenges. However, if we keep asking “Why me?” or wait for someone else to change first so we can find happiness , we may develop a victim mentality that undermines hope for future success.
To counter the possibility of a victim mentality, in response to the 9-year-old's question about why God chose him to have ADHD, I explained that now that we understood he had ADHD. We understood what this means. There were things his parents, teachers, and he could learn to do to manage school and other situations more effectively. My messages usually include: "He could learn to do” to promote a sense of personal control and reduce feelings of learned helplessness .
Psychologist Paul Gerber and his colleagues studied adults with learning disabilities, those who were leading more hopeful, resilient lives compared with those who were not. They found that a major differentiation between the two groups was a sense of personal control. Resilient adults with these disabilities recognized that they had control over the direction of their lives. The group that was more pessimistic and less resilient believed that their disabilities dominated their existence from an early age, serving as a major obstacle to achieving a more satisfying, accomplished life.
Disappointment and a Sense of Relief
Another example from my clinical practice involved Lisa, a 45-year-old woman who felt from an early age that her mother had not “accepted” her. She reported, “I always felt my mother was disappointed in me. I was not the best student or athlete , and she kept saying I should try harder, that if I didn’t put in more effort, I would be a failure. Even now, when I have a successful career , a solid marriage, and two wonderful kids, my mother always points out what I’m doing wrong. My brother, who is two years older than I am, can do no wrong in her eyes.”
Lisa and I discussed many issues in therapy, but I want to focus on the essential role of personal control. At one point, I asked Lisa what “acceptance” from her mother would look like. She replied, “Maybe just having my mother say something positive about me, complimenting rather than always criticizing me. Even expressing some love towards me.” Lisa said that she did not remember a time when her mother said, “I love you.”
Based on our discussions in therapy, Lisa felt it was time to sit down with her mother to share some of her feelings about their relationship. We spent several sessions rehearsing what Lisa might say, and we also considered possible responses from her mother. Lisa felt it was important that she not come across as criticizing her mother, but rather focus on ways they could develop a more positive relationship. Lisa hoped that her mother would also express a desire for a better relationship.
However, even with Lisa showing empathy, her mother immediately became defensive, and she said that any negative feelings between the two stemmed from Lisa being a “negative person who never appreciated what her mother did for her.” Hearing this from her mother was disappointing and painful, but Lisa said to me, “You’ve taught me about personal control. I feel I’ve done as much as I can to improve my relationship with my mother, but I realize I have no control over my mother’s response to my reaching out to her. Strangely, my mother’s response actually brings me a sense of relief. I can let go of the unrealistic hope that she will accept me. I have better things I can do with my time and energy, especially continuing to strengthen my relationships with my husband and kids.”
I recognize that many things in our lives are beyond our control, which makes it even more essential to appreciate that what control we have resides in our attitude and response to different situations. To capture this perspective, I have often posited, “We are the authors of our own lives,” recommending that we focus on what we can control and consider more effective scripts we would like to adopt that will promote a more resilient way of living.
Gerber, P. J., Reiff, H. B., & Ginsberg, R. (1996). Reframing the learning disabilities experience. Journal of Learning Disabilities, 29, 98-101.
Brooks, R., & Goldstein, S. (2004). The Power of Resilience: Achieving Balance, Confidence, and Personal Strength in Your Life. NY: McGraw-Hill.
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Robert Brooks, Ph.D. , has served on the faculty of Harvard Medical School and as Director of the Department of Psychology at McLean Hospital.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.