A Reason to Smile at “Can” and Give “Should” the Side Eye
Emotion research suggests that “should” may not take you where you hope to go.
Posted May 22, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Whether we realize it or not, we all have ideas about what we feel . We even have notions about whether we’re capable of controlling our emotions and if we’re supposed to do so. To put it differently, we have what are referred to as “can” and “should” beliefs when it comes to our feelings.
Your “can” beliefs basically apply to whether you think you’re able to manage your feelings and how you communicate what you feel to other people. For example, let’s say you’re feeling irritated. Do you think you can do something to manage that feeling or what you show to others? For example, maybe you decide to go outside because you know you’ll feel better; you do some slow breathing, listen to a funny podcast, accept your irritation, or calmly name your dissatisfaction and assert what you need.
On the other hand, your “should” beliefs refer to whether you think what you feel is “correct” or whether it’s socially proper to convey it to other people. Coming back to the moment you’re feeling irritated, the question is different: Do you think you ought to do something to influence what you’re feeling or what you display to other people? Is there a response you’re supposed to have, as opposed to it being an option? For instance, you might tell yourself that you’ve got to do something to feel happy and calm rather than be irritated because you think it’s silly to feel this way or that people would judge you if you let them see you were feeling irritated.
In a new study , a team of researchers analyzed these two types of beliefs among younger and older individuals and looked at the connection to their emotional experience. There was no difference across age regarding what people thought they should feel, but older people were more apt to think they could regulate their feelings than younger folks. Regardless of age, people tended to feel more upbeat and less down when they had “can beliefs” about their emotional world. That said, the connection between a person thinking they can manage their emotions and feeling good was even more powerful among people who were younger. On the other hand, only younger people felt worse when they thought they were supposed to manage their feelings.
The researchers raised possibilities for why they found the patterns they did, but these potential explanations still need to be explored. For example, people who are older may have more confidence in their capacity to regulate their feelings because, by definition, they have more practice navigating life. It’s also possible that social influences have a more powerful pull for people who are younger as they encounter novel situations, which might increase the emotional impact of beliefs about whether they’re supposed to manage their feelings. The study couldn’t speak to whether beliefs about controlling feelings caused people to feel the way they did.
Even though there are more questions that need to be answered, arguably we can still draw from this work. In addition to noticing what we feel, we might also want to bear in mind what we’re telling ourselves about our capacity to regulate our inner world as well as whether we think we have an obligation to do so. And perhaps as a little experiment, whether it's for a minute, an hour, or a day, we might see how it feels to try to release our grip on “should” and consider what healthy steps we “can” take in response to what we’re feeling.
Becerra, R., Preece, D. A., & Gross, J. J. (2020). Assessing beliefs about emotions: Development and validation of the Emotion Beliefs Questionnaire. PloS One , 15 (4), e0231395. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0231395
Rimes, K. A., & Chalder, T. (2010). The beliefs about emotions scale: Validity, reliability and sensitivity to change. Journal of Psychosomatic Research , 68 (3), 285–292. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychores.2009.09.014
Rutledge, J. A., & Barlow, M. A. (2026). Don’t stop believin’: Emotion beliefs and daily well-being across adulthood. Psychology and Aging , 41 (3), 375–386. https://doi.org/10.1037/pag0000951
Segal, O., Bronshtein, K., & Weinbach, N. (2025). The benefits of radical acceptance of reality as a standalone strategy for emotion regulation. Current Psychology (New Brunswick, N.J.) , 44 (3), 1780–1792. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-025-07286-0
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Holly Parker, Ph.D. is a lecturer at Harvard University and a psychologist in private practice.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.