A Quick Practice for When Trauma Responses Reappear
Taking a moment to pause and change the script when old trauma patterns show up.
Posted June 1, 2026 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Cole’s partner came home late again last night without texting. Cole had been waiting up for him for hours, his mind racing with all of the possible scenarios. When his partner finally came home, Cole gave him the silent treatment while secretly seething.
He had reverted to his old pattern of trying to convey his displeasure while also still being scared of being direct about his feelings.
The next day, he felt guilty for having this response, so we explored it in session. "I don't know why I get like this," he said, full of shame .
Stress Can Reactivate Unhealthy Behavioral Responses
It can feel so disappointing when we recognize ourselves falling into old, unhealthy patterns. This can feel so frustrating that it might even trigger a resurgence of shame and self-blame, like Cole.
But please understand, you will repeat old patterns. Everyone does, because healing isn’t linear. What matters is that each time you circle back, you do so with more awareness, tools, and self-kindness. Over time, the old behaviors start to become fewer and fewer as newer patterns take their place.
So, when this repetition happens, I want you to celebrate the fact that you notice. That’s progress! In the past, you likely might not have even noticed that this behavior was unhealthy, so this shows growth. Awareness is the first and most crucial step toward change. Maybe you catch yourself people-pleasing again, desperate to be liked, even though you swore you’d do differently this time. These moments can bring up shame, frustration: "Why am I back here again?"
Remember, repetition is part of healing. Your brain is wired to seek what feels familiar. After all, you spent how many years in unhealthy patterns? You aren’t going to unlearn them overnight.
The key isn’t to judge yourself for slipping into old patterns but to be able to acknowledge and recognize them so you can change them.
Here is an activity to help when this happens:
When you notice yourself engaging in old patterns, follow these steps:
A couple weeks later, Cole’s partner came home late again without texting. Cole had been waiting up for him for hours, unable to sit still. But, this time, he noticed—and he followed the previous five steps. Here is what the process looked like for him:
He asked himself, “What am I feeling right now?" And he realized that he was feeling fear of abandonment. “I worry my partner will leave me like so many others have before, so I worried he was out with someone else.”
Next, he explored the second question, “When have I felt this way before?" And he remembered being a little child who was hiding in his room while his parents fought, before hearing his dad leave and slam the door.
As part of step three, he took a moment to acknowledge this pattern, and he named it.
Then, he purposefully attempted to make a disruption: He left the room for a moment and took five deep breaths to emotionally regulate.
For the final step, he came back and said to his partner: “I felt worried when I didn’t hear from you. Can we agree on a check-in next time?"
His heart was pounding as he said those words, scared that asking for his needs to be met would make him “too much,” and that this would be the time his partner would finally leave. But instead, his partner said, “Oh yeah, I should have texted when work ran late. I am sorry. I will try to do that next time.”
Cole felt his body lighten with relief.
Excerpted, in part, from my book The Cycle Breaker's Guide to Healthy Relationships.
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Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of four books, including Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, and It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.