A Letter to Parents of Faith Learning a Child Is Transgender
Conservative parents can learn to accept their transgender youth.
Updated November 15, 2023 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
By Melissa J Grey, Ph.D.
I’m a long-time listener in conservative faith communities. I’ve been listening to concerned parents and family members, youth who have come out as transgender , non-binary, or questioning, and youth who are silently struggling while hiding their gender identity at home. If you're a faithful parent just learning your child is transgender, I suspect you’re seeking reliable, wise information you can apply because you love your child and would do anything to help them not only survive but thrive. I hope to share a little of what I've had the privilege to learn.
Being a parent and being guided by your faith may be the most important aspects of who you are, which is why it might be important to reflect more deeply on how to practice or embody your values now that you have a child coming out as transgender.
What is gender diversity?
Let’s start with some basics. First, sex and gender are different aspects of a person. Sex refers to how an individual’s body has been affected by certain genes and hormones . Sex is typically assigned at birth (male, female, or intersex). Gender is psychological and social, a person's sense of who they are as a boy, girl, or other gender.
Although it was long absent from our mainstream conversations, gender diversity is common throughout history and cultures . To be transgender means a person’s gender does not match societal expectations (for example, a person assigned female later identifies as a boy). In this letter, gender diversity means any time youth identify or express themselves—through dress, behavior, or otherwise—in ways that might be unexpected for their assigned sex.
What are practical strategies for parents with gender diverse kids?
An abundance of research informs the guidance that accepting kids for who they are is best for their health and well-being . What does acceptance mean?
Gender diverse youth are impacted by more mental health problems . It is not their gender that leads to mental health problems but the stigma and rejection that often follow them. Your affirmation and acceptance, allowing your child to express themselves and showing you love them no matter what, helps protect them from emotional struggles and the higher risk transgender kids have to attempt and commit suicide .
Use credible sources and reach out to trusted professionals, including pediatricians and psychologists, as they are likely to form their conclusions from vetted research and draw from evidence-based resources (for example, the Family Acceptance Project).
Just as gender diversity exists everywhere, every community has ways of affirming diversity . Consider this a time to learn, be curious, and review resources from your culture or faith community.
Beware that “change efforts,” “conversion therapy,” and “wait-and-see” approaches are not alternatives to acceptance. Conversion efforts include any time a person has the goal to change “gender identity , gender expression, or associated components of these to be in alignment with gender role behaviors that are stereotypically associated with sex assigned at birth.”
A consensus of health professionals makes clear these approaches risk significant harm and bear no promise of the change they promote. Therapists and other helping professionals often do not label practices as “conversion,” so be cautious of any of the following:
When seeking support from mental health professionals, selecting those with a license and competence with gender diversity can provide some protection from possible harm that may come from incompetent care (such as conversion efforts), but parents’ active involvement remains important. Any help or support should follow the guidance that acceptance has no substitute.
What if I can’t be accepting right now?
If you do not feel ready to be accepting, reflecting on why this may be the case may be a place to start. We’re all capable of change, and it’s important to acknowledge that what you're experiencing now is not necessarily your permanent position. Try to allow yourself grace to grow.
If you find yourself feeling as if you cannot accept your child’s gender diversity, how can you practice some psychological flexibility before trying to restrict or change your youth? Some steps in this practice may be private, such as learning to tolerate and stay with the difficult emotions that arise from gender topics. More ways to support yourself in doing the hard work of parenting include:
Your work to navigate questions about gender and support your child are important steps in creating your family’s unique way. Please keep caring, loving, and struggling, and know your efforts are appreciated by many of us who are listening, most importantly, your gender diverse child.
Melissa J. Grey, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in southeast Michigan, where she teaches, practices psychotherapy , and advocates for more compassionate and liberated communities.
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Andy Tix, Ph.D., is a teacher and writer specializing in the psychology of well-being, religion, and spirituality.
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