A Challenge for Twins: Take Care of Yourself First
Putting their own needs first can be a profound problem for twins.
Posted November 13, 2025 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Actually taking care of your own concerns before those of others, whether they're your twin, husband, child, parent, or friend, is a complicated psychological problem for twins to deal with. And explaining this difficulty to non-twins may be impossible. Indeed, “taking care of yourself first” is an ongoing problem for twins, who begin to share their lives when they are conceived and then born. Understandably, it follows that a great deal of “twin time” as they grow and develop together is inevitable. For better or for worse, depending on what is going on, a twin will need to learn to take care of themselves first. Paying attention to their twin or other people’s problems should and can be secondary. While my advice for twins is simple in principle, actually, it is extremely difficult for twins to take their own problems as the most necessary ones to solve.
As an example, my twin sister calls me with a serious problem she is having with a family member or one of her students. She is eager to ask my opinion on how to react to the issue she is facing. I have to say, “I am not free now, let’s talk later.” She already knows that I work most days, so why do I feel bad saying, “Sorry, no time now"? Most twins feel the same; they feel bad that they cannot immediately respond, no matter how serious the issue is.
Is a close family member lost? Is your twin feeling sad and lonely after a dispute with a friend or relative? Is there some kind of medical emergency? Twin reactions will vary based on the urgency of the problem presented. But truly, twins are reluctant to say no when someone (but especially their twin) needs them, no matter what else is happening in their own lives. This lesson to take care of others was learned very early in life.
The Impact of Curiosity From Non-Twins
Learning to live in a world populated by singletons (non-twins) can create interpersonal difficulties that are not acknowledged or understood by most non-twins. Indeed, being a twin can be seen as a special treat—a gift. But dealing with being a twin in the social world without your sister or brother is hard to do and takes time and insight to adjust to. Just talking to new people without your twin is at first a daunting experience that is hard to explain to non-twins, but it is real and sometimes confusing. A common question is usually related to, “How are you and your sister the same?” or “How are you two different?” This question is, of course, a bit rude and inappropriate and usually not asked of brothers and sisters, unless there is a very special reason to know something.
Other examples that I have experienced and that other twins talk about are: “Do your sister and you take the same classes, or do you have different interests? Do you share clothes and friends?”
These inquiries are a watered-down way of asking how you are different, but with non-twins, it would usually not be asked so boldly or so out of context in a casual dialogue. In other words, outsiders or onlookers seem to have an amazing curiosity about twin differences. And I am not sure why this is such a strong concern. Outsiders also ask about how your twin is doing, which is frustrating and sometimes infuriating. I say, “She is fine” or “She is having a lot of stress. But I am curious why you are so concerned about her.” Unfortunately, the question-askers do not want to share the source of their curiosity about similarities and differences between twins.
This all-too-common phenomenon of outsiders asking about your twin is psychologically upsetting and exhausting, but also interesting to me. Most likely, these questions have some link to singletons thinking about their own identity and individual development. Even for me, it is startling to see two people who look very much alike. Seeing a twin baby stroller is always remarkable. But the negative effect is very difficult for twins. Learning to think about the other person first or as a part of you is a ritual that does not apply to non-twins. Of course, asking personal questions of twins is just ridiculous. Twins experience rude questions as a harmful side effect of being a twin. Onlookers most likely cannot understand why comparative questions are the worst part of being a twin. From my professional and personal experiences, comparative questions are difficult and intrusive, and create competition between twins. Comparison diminishes the individual person, the individual twin.
While there is so much enthusiasm in the media about how fantastic it is to be a twin, there are obvious drawbacks that are hard to understand if you are not one. Horror stories of twin anger and abuse are commonly shared with me. Comparison and competition create identity issues for twins that persist throughout our lives. Especially “Who is smarter/prettier/more popular?” or “Which one has the best spouse or family?” These comparisons go on and on.
Putting yourself first can be awkward and stressful for twins. In serious situations, choosing your problems over the problems of other people you are close to can take enormous thought and support, or even feel impossible. Never forget that your individual identity has to be respected. Your understanding of what you need is far more important than trying to live up to the advice of others. This line of reasoning encourages twins to be treated as different and special from one another—twins are not the same, and also don’t deserve to be compared. While helping others is meaningful and necessary, forgetting what you really need for yourself will make a situation more confusing and difficult. Ask for as much help as you can get from people who understand you.
Advice for Friends of Twins
www.estrangedtwins.com
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Barbara Klein, Ph.D., Ed.D. , is an author and educational consultant who has done extensive research on the development of twin identity.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.