6 Signs of Social Isolation Schema
Do you find most social activities exhausting because you feel you don't fit in?
Posted September 12, 2022 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
This post is one part of the schemas: an introduction series of 18 posts, covering each of the 18 schemas outlined originally by Jeffrey Young . I’m presenting my own take on these concepts in addition to Young’s original definitions. You can check out this post for more background on the definition of schemas, which I call the " DNA ” of your personality . This series describes what it’s like to have each schema, how to notice it, and how to manage it.
Social Isolation Schema
You may have grown up feeling like you don’t belong—like there’s something wrong with you just for being you. And now you avoid people and find relationships fake and exhausting, and you feel like you can relax and be you only when you’re alone.
This strong belief that you are flawed and don’t fit in can come from two formative childhood experiences:
You may have social isolation schema if you suffered through either of the above experiences— especially if you survived both. As a result, it feels like you don’t fit in, or can’t fit in, or even that you don’t want to fit in. So you isolate, which feels like a relief from stress , but also leaves you feeling alone. Your comfort zone also feels like confinement. Does it have to be this way?
6 Signs of Social Isolation Schema
How to Start Letting Go of This Schema
The first thing to know is that, like most personal growth and change, this is a step-by-step process that takes patience and practice, and, with each effort, another small step outside of your comfort zone. Let’s break it down:
If you can overcome the beliefs that people won’t like you and give yourself a chance, you can prove to yourself that you’re worth it.
A challenge with social isolation schema is that you may have become “too good” at isolating, and prefer your solitary experiences to the challenge of being with people. To a degree, we all have to cope with the fact that relationships are challenging. Especially because of COVID-19 , relationships can feel like a lot of work. We all have to make a decision about how much work we’re willing to do and what to expect in terms of the rewards of friendship , support, and love from others.
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Richard Brouillette, LCSW, is an online parts work and trauma therapist working with artists, activists, and academics. He supports LGBTQIA+ and BIPOC folks and does work with asylum applicants, migrants, and torture survivors.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.