5 Reasons Why People-Pleasing Hurts More Than It Helps
There's a hidden cost to always saying yes.
Posted April 22, 2026 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Being a “people pleaser” doesn’t sound so bad. The term suggests a willingness to make others happy, being considerate and generous, and being aware of others’ needs. But, as you may already have gathered, the real story is quite a bit more complicated. Decades of research in social psychology suggest that trying too hard to keep other people happy can become a self-defeating pattern — a persistent habit that can sometimes hurt as much as it helps. Although people-pleasing may be intended to protect your relationships, your mental health, and even your identity , it can actually end up undermining them instead.
First and perhaps foremost, people-pleasing may not actually support an authentic sense of self. It may come across as phony or ingratiating, in a way that other people will generally be able to notice. In 2012, psychologist Emily Impett and her colleagues carried out a study of romantic partners that revealed that suppressing emotions in a self-sacrificial way was associated with a diminished sense of emotional well-being — not only for the people-pleaser, but for both partners (Impett et al, 2012). More specifically, these effects were controlled by the giving partner’s sense of authenticity ; when they made their people-pleasing efforts in an artificial or inauthentic way, the emotional damage was exacerbated. The study highlighted a fascinating effect: People can generally tell when their romantic partners are being real, or when they are suppressing negative emotions and behaving in a falsely generous way. When this happened, their relationship quality declined in a way that could last for weeks.
Furthermore, over the course of time, habitual and inauthentic people-pleasing can begin to generate resentment. In a subsequent study, Impett et al. (2013) looked into the reasons why people make sacrifices for their partners. When they did so in order to prevent conflicts, or to avoid disappointment, their actions ultimately took away from real relationship well-being. In other words, being generous with others out of a fear of consequences turns out to be very different from doing so out of love or benevolence. Afterward, you’ll feel worse, not better. Another way of seeing this is to acknowledge that sometimes saying yes ten times in a row can feel like kindness, but the eleventh time it may feel like you’re starting to want something in return for your sacrifices — and if you don’t get it, feelings of resentment may build.
According to another researcher — Dana Jack, who studied depression in women’s relationships — suppressing your own needs for the sake of a relationship can be directly harmful to your health. Dr. Jack conducted longitudinal research on this issue, which she called “self-silencing,” and which became associated with clinical depression. Worse still, in a study of almost three thousand adults, Jack found that women who weren’t able to verbalize their needs during arguments or relationship conflicts had a heightened risk of premature death. A more recent study from China, published in PsyCH Journal (Kuang et al., 2025) also found a significant (and persistent) negative correlation between people-pleasing tendencies and mental health — meaning that trying too hard to please others was associated with neuroticism and feelings of low self-worth . Generally speaking, then, people-pleasing for the wrong reasons may be quietly deleterious to your mental, physical and emotional well-being.
It might also leave you vulnerable to exploitation — at the workplace, in particular, where people-pleasers might be taken advantage of by others. A 2025 paper by Georgescu and Bodislav looked into this dynamic, and found that the difficulty some people have in saying no to others can turn them into targets for manipulation by more self-interested colleagues. In a work context, people-pleasers may be reluctant to say no to new responsibilities, to challenge unethical behavior on the part of their peers or managers, or to defend their right to be treated fairly. This can be a tricky line to walk, too: Agreeing to take on a new project could make you seem agreeable and could put you in line for a promotion, but it could also make it possible for someone else to take credit for your work.
The final problem with people-pleasing is its paradox: While the behavior may be intended to make your friends happy, to shore up your relationship with your boss, or to keep your partner close, it can have the opposite effect and boost your resentment so much that you push these people away. In 2013, a study by Romero-Canvas et al. (entitled, in part, “After All I Have Done For You,”) found that people-pleasers became more resentful and angry after being rejected by partners they’d tried too hard to gratify. Suppressed feelings in the course of a relationship, in this study, led to significant boosts in post-rejection hostility (among women in particular). Another way to see it is in terms of the cost of maintaining a facade: Contorting yourself to please a partner can become more and more difficult as the relationship grows, and doing so can make you more and more resentful along the way.
So there’s a clear face validity to the ways in which denying or suppressing your own needs, or hiding your true feelings, don’t benefit your relationships and can be harmful to your mental health. But the opposite of people-pleasing isn’t being selfish; it’s just being more genuine. Admittedly, relationships can be complicated, and it’s not always easy to tell when you’re doing something exclusively to please your partner and when you really just want to do it. Kogan et al. (2010) found evidence to confirm this: that making sacrifices for your partner, when you feel truly authentic and are motivated by an understanding of mutuality, can result in warmer feelings and greater relationship satisfaction. Being generous with other people, without resentment or conflict, is qualitatively different from people-pleasing due to worry, and therefore should lead to better relationship outcomes overall.
Georgescu, R. I., & Bodislav, D. A. (2025). The Workplace Dynamic of People-Pleasing: Understanding Its Effects on Productivity and Well-Being. Encyclopedia of Social Sciences , 5 (3), 95.
Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., English, T., John, O., Oveis, C., Gordon, A. M., & Keltner, D. (2012). Suppression Sours Sacrifice: Emotional and Relational Costs of Suppressing Emotions in Romantic Relationships: Emotional and Relational Costs of Suppressing Emotions in Romantic Relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(6), 707-720.
Impett, E.A., Javam, L., Le, B.M., Asyabi-Eshghi, B., & Kogan, A. (2013). The joys of genuine giving: Approach and avoidance sacrifice motivation and authenticity. Personal Relationships, 20, 740–754.
Jack, D.C. & Dill, D. (1992). The Silencing the Self Scale. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 16, 97–106.
Kogan, A., Impett, E.A., Oveis, C., Hui, B., Gordon, A.M., & Keltner, D. (2010). When giving feels good. The intrinsic benefits of sacrifice in romantic relationships for the communally motivated. Psychol Sci. 21(12), 1918-1924.
Kuang X, Li H, Luo W, Zhu J, Ren F. (2025). The Mental Health Implications of People-Pleasing: Psychometric Properties and Latent Profiles of the Chinese People-Pleasing Questionnaire. PsyCH Journal, 14(4):500-512.
Romero-Canyas, R., Reddy, K.S., Rodriguez, S., Downey, G. (2013). After All I Have Done For You: Self-silencing Accommodations Fuel Women's Post-Rejection Hostility. Journal of Experimental and Social Psychology, 49(4):732-740.
Share this post Facebook Bluesky Linkedin Email
There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.
By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy
Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., ABPP , is a psychologist in private practice in New York City, specializing in helping people find success, fulfillment, and peace in their relationships and their work.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.