5 Benefits of Asserting Your Needs—and How to Start Today
Anyone can learn the art of respectful assertiveness.
Posted January 18, 2018
If you've ever had to express your needs directly to another person, you know it can be hard to do. Our wishes aren't always aligned with the other person's, like when we ask for a refund for something we bought, or try to end a conversation with someone who just won't stop talking.
Asking for what we need is the principle behind assertiveness . This idea is often confused with aggression , as if being assertive means demanding that others give us what we want.
On the contrary, though, being assertive falls between being passive or being aggressive, as Alberti and Emmons make clear in their classic book, Your Perfect Right . It can be a fine line to walk, but one worth practicing because of the benefits that come from greater assertiveness.
A few years ago I experienced some of the downsides of not directly expressing what I needed. I was about to go into a therapy session with a patient at the treatment center where I was working. I knew my boss had been looking for me but hoped it could wait so I wouldn't be late to my session. I thought about telling my boss I'd be free in an hour but I was afraid he'd be annoyed with me for not being available, so instead I started my session and put up my "Do Not Disturb" sign.
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I was instantly irritated and ignored the knock as I continued with my session, hoping he would realize I wasn't available. A moment later there was another knock, this time louder. When the third knock came I stood up angrily, threw open the door, and said to my boss, "Could you please stop knocking on my door?"
Only after the words had left my mouth did I see the director of the agency standing next to him, so I had not only barked at my boss but had just embarrassed him in front of his own boss. It would have been uncomfortable to handle the situation sooner and more directly, but doing so would have spared me a mini-outburst that caused a serious rift between my boss and me—not to mention some awkwardness for the person I was treating.
This example also highlights a common outcome when we're not assertive: Our frustration builds as we say nothing, until we finally explode and express ourselves aggressively.
The assertive thing to do would have been to let my boss know that I'd be free in an hour if that would fit his schedule. Appropriate assertiveness is about balancing our own needs with those of others.
A recent journal article by Brittany Speed and colleagues summarized some of the many benefits of being more assertive of our needs. They include:
If you don't see yourself as an assertive person, take heart: Assertiveness can be learned. My go-to self-help book on the topic is Your Perfect Right , which I often recommend to individuals I work with who could benefit from more assertive communication.
Ready to start practicing today? Here are some principles to follow:
LinkedIn image credit: Mangostar/Shutterstock
Alberti, R., & Emmons, M. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships , 10th ed. Oakland, CA: Impact Publishers.
Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (in press). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. doi:10.1111/cpsp.12216
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Seth J. Gillihan, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and author specializing in mindful cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.