4 Ways to Feel Less Awkward and More Confident in Groups
How to ease group anxiety and speak up without freezing up.
Posted July 18, 2025 | Reviewed by Tyler Woods
This week, a thoughtful reader named Jenn wrote in to my Substack newsletter with a compelling question. Here’s her story in her own words, lightly edited for clarity and length:
I have four friends that I love dearly. I am comfortable and open with each of them when it's one on one... but when we all get together for girls’ night out, I clam up and feel shy.
I'll say quick comments or ask them questions, but sooner or later they want a life update and they'll start asking me questions to draw me out. My brain freaks out when all the attention is on me and I blush and get awkward.
I don't like this and it doesn't even make sense to me. It's like the group takes on a life of its own that makes me uncomfortable. But these are my friends!
What can I do (or think) to feel more at ease when we're all together? I love these people and I want to be myself with them.
Yes! Jenn’s situation is both common and relatable. Groups do take on a life of their own. Therefore, here are four ways to manage the shift from individual interactions to group dynamics:
1. Radically accept that groups differ from one-on-one.
Compare chatting with one co-worker to the weekly team meeting, or talking with your sister versus attending a large family dinner. It’s the difference between playing catch with one friend versus playing a full baseball game.
In group settings, we have to follow multiple people’s words, feelings, and interactions, not to mention manage interruptions and side chats. There’s more strain on our brainpower, social energy, and emotional reserves.
So if group conversations feel tougher than individual ones, it doesn’t mean you’re awkward—group dynamics are awkward. Your reaction makes total sense.
2. Practice having everyone look at you (and use some mindful acceptance as well).
Ah, the dreaded moment when all the heads swivel! Whether it’s your turn to give a “life update,” speak in a meeting, or answer a teacher’s question, that collective gaze can send adrenaline surging. As Jenn says, “that’s when I shrivel up inside.” Fortunately, both acceptance and change can help.
Start with acceptance: Part of self-compassion is expecting your nerves to spike when multiple eyes land on you. Blame it on evolution, temperament, or your nervous system —it’s just how you’re wired. It’s not a flaw.
At the same time, you can practice the eye swivels. At the clinic where I work, we often simulate this with a few colleagues or students in a conference room to help clients desensitize themselves to being the center of attention. We do a countdown: “One, two, three—now.” If your therapist works in a group setting, see if they can organize something similar. Or ask a few trusted friends or family members to help at the dinner table. It’s intense at first, but it gets easier with repetition. You might never get to zero discomfort (again—radical acceptance), but even cutting it by 30-50% can make a big difference.
If you’re prepping for a presentation, try practicing in front of a Zoom gallery view (record one of your team meetings, if that’s allowed, and play it back while you practice), or search online for “stock video of audience watching.”
3. You don’t need to answer questions literally.
As thoughtful, conscientious people, we often feel like we need to respond to the exact question asked. So when someone says, “What’s new with you?” it can feel like pressure to produce a tidy life summary—touching on work, family, health, hobbies, the whole checklist.
But you don’t have to give a literal answer. Instead, you can tell a quick story, build off something someone else said, ask for advice, or share something funny or strange that happened. The goal isn’t to perform—it’s to connect. You can even pivot on prompts that pull for a literal answer, like, “If you could bring one thing to a desert island, what would you bring?" Say what you feel like sharing, not what you assume they want to hear.
4. Shift from social performance to social connection.
Let’s define the two: Social performance is all about behavior—saying and doing things “right,” following the script, avoiding mistakes. Social connection , on the other hand, is about the relationship—it’s about being seen, known, and supported through shared experience.
And yes, when all eyes are on you, it can feel like you’re on stage. But try to gently shift your focus from “Am I making sense?” or “Do I sound dumb?” and onto the heart of what you’re saying—what excites you, puzzles you, or moves you. It doesn’t have to be 100%. Even 51% will do.
This shift also works in more formal situations, such as giving a presentation, interviewing for a job, or teaching a class. Whenever you can, anchor yourself in the message you want to share instead of how you think you’re coming across.
To bring it all together: if, like Jenn, you find yourself going quiet in groups—even with people you love—you are not alone and you’re doing nothing wrong. And when the attention swings your way, it’s not a test or interrogation—it’s an opportunity to show up as your real self, not the version you think others expect.
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Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. , is the author of How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists and How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety .
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.