3 Ways to Break the Cycle of Trauma Bonding
Is it bonding over love or is it trauma bonding? Here’s how to tell.
Posted February 28, 2023 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
A trauma bond is an intense emotional attachment formed between a perpetrator of abuse and the victim. Trauma bonding is one example of an unhealthy, abusive relationship. The bond is created primarily as a result of a cycle of abuse and reinforcement where, after every instance of abuse, the abuser professes love for the victim and attempts to make the victim feel safe and needed.
Trauma bonding can make leaving an abusive relationship feel confusing and overwhelming, especially when the victim struggles with separation anxiety or has an insecure attachment style .
Here are three things to know to identify and break away from trauma-bonded relationships.
1. Familiarize yourself with the signs, sometimes known as the seven stages of trauma bonding.
Often, a trauma-bonded relationship can start off as a normal relationship. Here are seven ways you can catch the signs early:
This type of bond can profoundly impact a victim’s worldview. But the cycle of abuse is not unbreakable. Once you have identified the signs of trauma bonding, here is what you can do next.
2. Focus on self-care and self-compassion.
Abusive situations can lower your self-esteem . Instead of being harsh on yourself and resorting to self-blame, you can practice self-compassion.
One study suggests that self-compassion not only feels better than self-criticism, but it also helps us rise to life’s inevitable challenges. The authors of the study break down self-compassion into three components:
Try to engage in at least a few of these proven self-care techniques:
Engaging in actions that make you feel good can reinforce the idea that you don’t need to be dependent on others to make you feel happy or good about yourself. The more you remind yourself of your own agency, the easier it will be to walk away from unhealthy relationship dynamics for good.
3. Lean on your support and peer groups.
Therapy is an incredible tool for helping move past the experiences of past trauma. It can not only help you exit a dangerous situation, but it also equips you with tools that can come in handy when making important life choices in the future.
Moreover, communicating with others who have gone through something similar can be very helpful. Sharing experiences of trauma can lead to posttraumatic growth . If you don’t feel ready to join a support group, lean on the people in your life that you feel close to and whom you trust deeply.
Trauma bonding is a relationship dynamic, not a character flaw. It can occur to anyone. Identifying the signs early and taking steps to overcome it can help prevent disastrous consequences. Remember that it’s always possible to end a cycle of abuse and find safety in healthy relationships.
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Mark Travers, Ph.D., is an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.