3 Signs That Someone Is Experiencing a "Shunishment"

What is "shunishment," and how can you respond?

Posted June 28, 2025 | Reviewed by Margaret Foley

We are in an era of boundaries .

More than ever, we are marking the borders of what we can and cannot accept. More people are feeling empowered to walk away when necessary.

All of this is progress.

For too long, norms of keeping quiet and keeping peace prevailed, even in problematic circumstances. When we can communicate our needs, we are in a much safer position.

Yet, there's an emerging and problematic phenomenon that can masquerade as boundary setting: "shunishment."

Shunishment is a trend where someone uses their presence as a reward and absence as a punishment , using the relationship as leverage for control.

Rather than helping a person get their needs met, shunishment is used to keep others on their toes. It relies on vague, ever-changing rules coupled with the other's known investment in the relationship.

Shunishment is used to keep control of the relationship through fault-finding, devaluing, and discarding without opportunity for repair. It can leave the other party walking on eggshells, fearful of the next spell of silence.

Some may use shunishment habitually to keep others at arm's length. Particularly for someone with an avoidant attachment style , shunishment provides a way to prevent people from getting too close. Over time, the strategy can leave someone feeling alone.

Tragically, shunishment can also be used to suppress others' rights and self-expression—for example, by withdrawing from a queer friend if they make their queerness known. Marginalized groups are at greatest risk for shunishment.

3 Signs That You Are Experiencing a Shunishment

You Don't Know the Rules. When you are on the other side of shunishment, it's hard to know where the boundaries are. This is because the rules are deliberately kept clouded. This allows the shunisher to declare a victim's stance at any given slight and withdraw. This is in contrast to proper boundaries, where limits are clearly expressed.
The Rules Keep Changing. If you are on the receiving end of shunishment, what the other is willing to tolerate can change by the day. For example, they may bring up a topic to discuss, but later express offense that the subject was discussed. This can make it especially difficult to know how to respond. Unlike boundaries, where the intention is to express up front what we are and are not OK with, when shunishment is used, the person may look for something after the fact to call a boundary violation.
You Get Set Up. A key sign of shunishment is setting someone up to cross limits. While we are certainly never responsible for others' behavior, a shunisher might contrive a situation where the other person is set up to fail. For example, someone might drop a note of an important conversation at the very end of the evening, knowing the other is ready to end the talk, then become angry that they were not adequately heard.

How to Respond to Shunishment

Be Direct. Shunishment is by nature indirect, maintaining plausible deniability. You can counter this by being direct. You might, for example, ask permission before bringing up a topic. If you feel set up or are worried about how to approach something without crossing the other, say so.
Speak Openly About Your Boundaries. Speaking openly about your boundaries models for others how they can signal theirs. You might, for example, say, "I am only good to talk until 9 p.m. tonight," or "I am not OK meeting at a bar." Display your limits plainly and stick to them.
Give Them Grace. Sometimes people genuinely do feel overwhelmed. Withdrawal is not always meant to hurt the other. If someone you know repeatedly engages in shunishment, it might signal a greater challenge. A compassionate response is warranted; however, this does not have to mean bowing to the other's every whim.

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Jennifer Gerlach, LCSW, is a psychotherapist based in Southern Illinois who specializes in psychosis, mood disorders, and young adult mental health.

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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.