3 Major Ways a Manipulator Tries to Manipulate You
Stop the manipulator in your life from exploiting you by identifying these tactics.
Posted May 24, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
You’ve been there. Frustrated, baffled, and angry at a friend or family member who continually manipulates you into serving their needs while they ignore and dismiss yours. When you say something, they accuse you of being hurtful, aggressive, or even toxic. However, if you learn the three main ways a manipulative person manipulates, you can stay one step ahead of them and put an end to the infuriating cycle.
The Three Core Manipulation Tactics
Manipulative people are highly skilled at inflicting guilt , using egocentricism, and acting like they are the victim. If you know how to detect these manipulations, you can inoculate them before you are already involved in a frustrating scenario. The following example shows how a person uses these three maneuvers.
Your friend Shelly wants to come over and use your pool on Sunday. You explain to her that it is the last weekend before your daughter, Molly, leaves for college, and that you want to spend time with her. Your friend says, “Oh, come on. I never see you because I work all the time. I’ll just come over for an hour. Molly can hang out with us. Besides, I really want to see her before she leaves. I have a gift for her.”
Against your better judgment, you give in. When you tell your daughter, she is both hurt and frustrated. You reassure her that Shelly will only be there for an hour. Yet she arrives and camps out by your pool for the entire afternoon. During that time, Shelly acts upset and asks for your advice about a problem with another friend. You did not realize that she was going through something, and you want to be supportive, so you agree to listen. To your dismay, Shelly talks for an hour and never pauses to hear your perspective. Eventually, she goes inside to use the restroom, then returns with a bottle of wine from your fridge and says, “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!” You politely tell her that she needs to go, but she continues to dismiss you. Finally, you say, “You NEED to go. I really want to spend time with Molly.”
Indignant, she looks at you and smirks. She packs up her stuff and barely says goodbye. The next day at a mutual friend’s BBQ, your friends act cold and distant, while doting over Shelly. You assume that she talked to your friends behind your back and positioned herself as the “victim” in the scenario at your pool.
How Manipulation Through Guilt Works
Let’s break this down: First, you need to be aware of a person’s tendency to make you feel guilty for setting a limit. In this example, instead of respecting your boundary, Shelly makes it seem as if you are being unfair. She acts as though her life is harder than yours when she says, “You know I work all of the time.” Next, she circumvents your boundary by stating that your daughter can hang out too. Lastly, she pulls on your heartstrings when she tells you that she has a gift for your daughter.
Anytime a person fails to respect your answer, cites a hardship, and then attempts to hold a good deed over your head, they are inflicting guilt . When you recognize this is happening, politely reassert your boundary and excuse yourself from the conversation. For example, “It’s my last day with Molly before she leaves, but maybe next week. I have to go but let me know about next week.”
Recognizing and Handling Egocentrism
The second manipulation, egocentrism , occurs when Shelly sucks you into a conversation by indicating that she needs your help. She exploits your empathy and then monopolizes the dialogue. She doesn’t pause and ask for your input—you barely get a word in edgewise. Egocentrism also emerges when Shelly is unable to even consider your perspective. You have continually considered her viewpoint, but she fails to think about yours.
When Shelly refuses to see things from your viewpoint and instead continues to talk about her own, it is a red flag. A helpful thing to do in this instance is to avoid engaging in a debate because it is fruitless; she won’t be fair. Instead, you can say, “You make some good points, but we need to agree to disagree. We can have a pool day next week,” or “You make a good argument, but I must stand my ground on this one. Call me next week and we will figure something else out.”
Responding to the Victim Stance
The victim stance is the third manipulation and if you are a person who has empathy it can be a doozy. Shelly plays the victim a couple of times in this example. First, she insinuates that she never has time for fun because she works so much. Next, she dominates your attention by claiming that she is having issues. Lastly, she goes behind your back, distorts what happened, and presents herself as the “injured” party. She mischaracterizes you as the person who mistreated her. Although this is a farce, your mutual friends fall for it and look at you differently now.
The first thing to do in this situation is to identify that Shelly is playing the victim. When she talks about a litany of hardships, she is taking a victim stance. A person who is not playing the victim typically talks about the nuanced and uncomfortable feelings that they are experiencing because of a hardship. In this situation, it is important to ignore her list of complaints and move on to re-establishing your boundary. For example, “I get it, but Molly and I have plans.” You may have to ignore Shelly’s lamenting and repeat your boundary several more times but do it. You are preventing Shelly from getting you off the topic. Stick to your guns.
When Shelly plays the victim with your mutual friends behind your back, the damage has already been done. If you try to present your side, you may be met with more rejection. It may be best to avoid fueling the drama. Allow the dust to settle. Hopefully, one of your friends will ask you for your side of the story, but if they do not, they may be more like Shelly than you. You don’t have to give these friends up, but rather keep them at a safer distance.
Remember: You can avoid getting into a situation with a manipulator in the first place by being aware of the ways in which they manipulate. Next, set your boundary and avoid defending or explaining it. You may have to repeat it several times, and that is okay.
Learn more in my book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist : Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and In Life.
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Erin Leonard, Ph.D. is a practicing psychotherapist and the author of three books about relationships and parenting.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.