12 Things Jealous People Think
How many of these 12 thoughts lead you to become jealous?
Posted May 9, 2026 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Feelings of jealousy occur commonly in everyday life. You may wish you had your best friend’s good looks or your cousin’s fantastic wardrobe. When it comes to romantic partners, jealousy can create unhappiness and even erode the quality of an otherwise great relationship.
Tammy and her partner became romantically involved three years ago and are now solidly committed to each other. They rarely argue, much less bicker. However, at a work function, Tammy became incensed when her partner started, in her mind anyway, flirting with someone else’s spouse. Tammy could hardly control her rage , or her misery over the idea that this episode spelled doom for the relationship’s future.
The Emotional Schema Model of Jealousy
A new paper by Weill-Cornell Medical College’s Robert Leahy (2026) introduces an approach to jealousy that focuses on the thoughts that lie behind it—and, by extension, how to counter them. In the Emotional Schema Therapy (EST) model, jealousy is proposed to arise from “theories and strategies” that people have “about their emotions and those of other people." A combination of distressing thoughts underlie jealousy, including the belief that the emotion won’t go away, that it doesn’t make sense, creates unpleasant mixed sensations, and is something to be ashamed of.
According to Leahy, everyone experiences jealousy, but not to the same extent. Early in a relationship, jealousy is unlikely to occur but, as with Tammy, can become more probable the longer the relationship goes on and people have more to lose. However, other factors increase or decrease the likelihood of jealousy, such as whether partners see each other often, or haven’t made their commitments clear.
Attachment security becomes another predictor of jealousy. If you are securely attached , few jealous thoughts are likely to penetrate your consciousness. However, if you’re anxiously attached, always fearing abandonment, then even innocent situations such as a work party can trigger a cascade of jealous feelings.
Jealousy’s 12 Typical Thoughts
In his paper, Leahy describes a case in which he applied EST to the treatment of “Ryan,” a 44-year-old heterosexual married male suffering from extreme jealousy. The early stages of therapy involved helping Ryan understand that jealousy is a completely normal emotion. In this phase, Leahy also identified a number of factors that could be feeding into his jealousy, including possible criticism by Ryan’s partner for having these feelings, a “contemptuous or dismissive response” that “further threatens the attachment security, ironically leading to more jealousy."
Using compassion focused therapy (CFT), Leahy also helped Ryan to become more accepting of his feelings. Along similar lines, Ryan was encouraged to regard jealousy not as a personal defect, but as a strength reflecting his commitment to monogamy in his relationship.
Central to EST, and consistent with the principles of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), Leahy introduced Ryan to the idea that people who become overwhelmed with jealousy experience certain biased thoughts. As outlined in the paper, these are the 12 irrational thoughts that lie at the heart of jealous feelings:
Once these biases are identified in EST, the next job is to zero in on the ones that the individual is using. For Ryan, this meant checking off those that occurred to him throughout the day, and then reviewing them in the evening. He could then use, although it may seem paradoxical, 15 minutes of dedicated “Worry Time” to sort them out.
Addressing the issue of feelings that he couldn’t tolerate jealousy, Ryan also learned to find ways to accept his lack of control and sense of uncertainty. Leahy encouraged him to come up with examples of other situations in which there were uncertain outcomes (such as eating out or traveling), allowing him to become more comfortable with the idea that not everything has a single answer or conclusion.
There were additional steps in therapy intended to allow Ryan to question his biased thoughts while also becoming better able to accept his unwanted thoughts and feelings. Ryan learned to be able to “view his thoughts and feelings as passing moments in his mind that he did not have to eliminate." Toward the end, Ryan further was encouraged to share his feelings with his wife. In these final phases, he even learned to imagine what would happen if the roles were reversed, and—even more difficult—“decatastrophize loss,” or play out the scenario in which his wife actually did leave him.
Moving from Threat to Acceptance
By pulling out the thoughts associated with jealousy, examining them, and learning to see them for what they are, it is possible for individuals who feel threatened by loss of a partner to take control of their feelings. In Ryan’s case, Leahy also pointed out that through EST, Ryan and his wife were able to modify their beliefs in "Relationship Perfectionism ,” recognizing that, as the saying goes, “nobody’s perfect.”
Returning to Tammy’s case, you can see how the extrapolation she made from watching her partner in this brief interaction to having calamitous thoughts about the relationship will only grow unless she is able to examine thoughts before they become too extreme. Applying EST to yourself, you may be able to gain a sense of how to turn the situation around when these provocations occur to you or your partner.
To sum up , jealousy is a completely predictable human emotion. Understanding the 12 biases that can escalate this ordinary emotion can help keep your equanimity, and your relationship, more fulfilling.
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Facebook image: Just Life/Shutterstock
Leahy, R. L. (2026). Jealousy: An emotional schema model. Journal of Clinical Psychology . doi.org/10.1002/jclp.70122
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Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. , is a Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Her latest book is The Search for Fulfillment.
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This article is part of the Bringwise Psychology Journal — daily insights on human behavior, mental health, and personal growth.